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i dont know where to start..... there so much on my mind i feel compelled to get it out of my head
These past couple of days have beeen very different for me and im trying to come to terms with all this thoughts in my head,
I feel differnt or like im changing into something ive been waiting for these past 27 years and 8 months
It feels very wrong from what ive been brought up too belive ....but in the same time it feels natural like i was always this way just never really brought it up to the surface of my true self, but these past days have rock my foundation to rumble,
My beliefs my code of life its all changing and NOW , Now that im alone .....
ive always been round good people , good friends and family i think thats why im like this now ...alone all my thoughts are mine and my own.
Ive also pulled away from them lately , thats why i think its coming up to the surface now that im alone to myself and my doings .
Is this the time for me ????to evolve into what ive been searching for in myself all these years , Im alone now more then i ever been.. Aidan my best friend hes to far gone and ive change into something else ..all honestly hes proably wouldnt conect with me like we used too and hes was my closest friend in this world .
Hayley alot of things come to mind with her she was a very close and dear friend,lover, and party bubby , but she is on her own road in life now and i think its closing for us like where slipping away fading out of each others life , but thats not her fualt she has her own demons to face and find her true self too ive always had that connection with her we both r fuck up in are own way . But she is strong more then she know i think and i know in my heart she will be ok in the end .
Monique , nick , john ,adam, friends at work and even amy........All these people ive cut off in some way or another, cause of whats been happing to me lately , i find myself putting up a front or a mask to hide from them what i really am , its easy ive been doing it all my life and now i feel the change in me all the more stronger lately and now i find myself fully cut off from them competely..
I Wake up in the morning go to work act like everything is fine in my world, talking and hangout is easy then i go home ...
Home ...its the one place where i feel at ease cause im alone to my thought, where i dont have to pretend and its the only thing that i get relif from ....Where the darkness inside me can come out to breath and play
Ive always had this darkness in me , always talking to me wanting to come out, But ive found ways to make it ease, make it happy in a sence, but now its stronger more hungry always wanting more ...
Ive been trained to hide it to bend in with everyone , if people knew the really truth they would run screaming for there life
I Am A monster i know that , ive always know that but im not your normal monster i have rules codes i go by and ive never broken that code not once its what makes me different from all the rest.
Hes tought me that and im truely thankful for him
He show me how to do it , how to be clean and how to bend in and most important how not to get caught
But like i said im alone now and its up to me, im on my own , but that was what he teached me its safer to be alone , Never letting people get close to me ...finding out
Thats why its so hard to have a girlfriend, for one a girl can sence a man been fake but its one of my rules bending in ...looking like a normal person all the tricks of the trade of a normal life , where its anything but ..
But now its more hungry the darkness it want more it want to come out like its tired of hiding and ive found myself thinking and fight to hold back the erges ....
Erges i would have dismiss on a normal day but its getting harder each day
i have to find more things to fill the time and the void keep it happy or i can see myself getting found out, nothing last for ever i know that but i have to much work to do before i hang up my towel so to speak.
Also ive found a new friend in a sence, but hes wouldnt be your normal friend but im connected to him hes like Me only better, i do feel like a student in a masters class he know more about me the i couldnt belive we r very much the same and im learning so much from him
Hes like me he has rules and hes own code which is similar to my own ..
But also on that note i think there some pattern to hes teaching and my darkness growing stronger i only hope i still can control it but i cant stop seeing him , for now i need him
I'll watch , learn everything i can learn, Ive had two teachers now in my life the first tought me how to hide it and to not get caught now this new teacher is showing me how to master my craft and hes tought me the same lesson the first did , people like me will always be alone its r nature
But its great to finally meet someone like me, there out there doing there own thing each day like me hiding , pretending ...and working
For now i'll leave it at that i feel like ive gotten some of it off my chest and things are alittle clearer now , im must stay focus.
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atreyu_curse's journal
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